Cuz I know you just can't stop looking at me.

Yeah that's ole' Dougie boy. These pictures are what happens when you get a few drunk people, a bottle of BBQ sauce, and a sober me with a camera, all together in one room. Besides that, I have a lot more room to work with now, so I'm turning one into a photography studio and another into a darkroom, and hopefully another still into the room where the screen printing equipment will go if plans move ahead to get the equipment off Tim or to just build my own with my ninja-like building prowess. In the meantime having a photography studio in-house has proved a major source of inspiration lately, so I'll probably be doing a lot more stuff like this as well as casual portraiture and whatever else my wandering mind stumbles across in the wasteland of imaginationville at 3am.  For example these new works of pure...idk:

My cell phone is shut off. I am so not good at paying that damn bill. Anyways if you need to get ahold of me, which you do because gawd look at you, you're hot as hell and you smell pretty, then you'll just have to catch me online or call the home phone, which you'll need to catch me online to get the number to. Hmm. I need to just get that fucking bill paid.

In other news...I've quit smoking. Now mind you, I've never experienced physical pain before, being as tuff as I am damnit, but this really hurts. I would shoot a man in the head and fuck his skull on pay-per-view if it only meant someone would give me a cigarette right now. I'm not joking. I have a lighter and a .45, I'm halfway there.

Well we got new neighbors today, either that or the ones across the street just moved...well, across the street. The whole clan was out on their yard when I walked outside today. I'm hoping this doesn't put a damper on any future parties we will have here, I mean, you can never tell when you're gonna get a friendly neighbor of the cop-calling-crazy kind. (I love alliteration.) so I guess we'll just see. I'm sure it didn't look good when they all watched me walk out to my car just to retrieve the two full bottles of beer I'd been stashing in my center console. I mean, they've been out there for three days now, haven't seen me leave leave for work or food or well just about anything, and then I walk to my car, rather than my refrigerator, to get my beer. I'm sure that's funny on some level. Ah well. It's 10pm, time to make plans for the night before I go out to do my grocery shopping in 4 hours.

 Now the rest of the night was a bit of a blur, keep in mind we'd been drinking since a little after 3pm or so. The usual crowd was around in the back room, the pool and drinks were plentiful, merriment all around and whatnot. The time approached midnight and the beginning of birthday celebrations were in order for my boy Toby. Now I'm not good at math even when taking math-enhancing drugs but the alcohol wasn't helping any so I can't say how many of what we had last night but regardless, we were all having a good time of it. Someone passes Toby a shot. Toby does the shot. Bad idea number one, it was the bar rag wrung out into a shot glass.

 I suppose it could have ended there and should have ended there. But Toby is a god among men and not one to be a bad sport. We were all drunk and not the ones to miss a golden opportunity when we see it...

 I've thought long and hard how to describe this next part but I can't really make with the words, it's nine in the morning and my night ended before 1am last night, instead of the usual 6am, so it goes without saying that I was pretty drunk at this point. Someone comes into the back room with a cup, trying way too hard to contain his laughter, hands the cup to Toby. The cup of piss. Now, Toby, I know you're reading this and just admit, you're either A) easily goaded into random acts of stupidity, or B) the afore-mentioned god among men. I've seen you stick a pickle in your ass, I've seen you covered neck to asscrack in mayonnaise. I've seen you eat glass and bleed like a stuck pig. But why oh why did you drink the piss? And not in a sippy connoisseur swish it around a little kind of way, although I guess that would have been a little weird. No, you chugged the piss like a champion, and I spent the next 30 minutes doubled over in painful laughter. And you were proud man. I give you props to that. Ya got's street cred kid. Ya got's moxie.

 The usual jokes were passed around ("Toby, ya pissed?" - "URINE trouble now buddy." - "Toby's piss drunk.") but we're not rocket scientists when we're drunk. I made my goodnights knowing full well that nothing was going to get better about the evening; I headed home. Woke up at 7am, about the time I'm usually falling asleep, and I guess that's why I'm bothering to put any of this up on the site here at all. But then, it was a damn good day/night and I want to remember it later when the hangover haze has left me. And besides, Toby's now got one more good story to add to his collection. Might as well save it for posterity. I know it's not the best story, hell I've had better nights by a long-shot. There was none of the usual me table-dancing, nobody got naked, I wasn't on fire, I did get to sing my lungs out but it wasn't to Bon Jovi, I'm not finding blood on my carpet, there's no food stuck to the ceiling, the cops didn't show up, etcetera. But if there is one lesson that can be learned from this entire evening, and you know any good party should end with the words "let this be a lesson"...it's this:

Happy Birthday Pal.

Notice the "I Suck at Life" shirt in that one pic...yeah I now have a professional model for my line of fine eveningwear. Lol. Yeah. But for the record, this is Kara, and if god doesn't have a vendetta against me for that bawdy evening I spent at the Vatican doing Slippery Nipples and watching Girls Gone Wild with the Pope, you'll be seeing a whole hell of a lot more of her on here soon. I know there'll be no complaints.

It's 5 in the morning.

I am way too awake for 5am on a Sunday.

But I have Photoshop CS2.

I'm gonna be awake for a bit longer.

Someone should call me.

I like the 5am phonecall.

Too bad nobody else does.

Sigh.

Work is going well. I should be getting hired on (I'm through Spherion right now) by the end of the month or so, which is a raise for me as well as a sliver of job security. I have one of the most awesome girls in the world to keep me company for 8 hours a day and that's probably the only thing that motivates me to go in at 6 in the fucking morning.

I have an 8 foot pool table in my kitchen. There's not much room for anything else.

It's occurred to me that the past few updates on her have been mostly just that, updates as to what's been going on in my life. Few or no pictures, no features, not a lot of fun at all. I'm gonna fix that.

Russ Mason
Superstar Badass Extraordinaire

I have crazy mad shower hair! Hide the children and elderly.

That's some stern looking hair. Hmm, time to clean the mirror I see.

So that's what's new and amazing in the Wonderful World of Russ. And it is very wonderful right now. As a matter of fact, and those of you who know me best can attest to this, I am a natural born worrier...but I can say for the first time in my life that I have nothing bothering me whatsoever. I am 100% happy. Strange and new.

Ok none. Phew. Anyways, last Saturday was Leah's birthday party. Before I go further let me make you all aware of my new habit. What I do is, I get really really drunk, up until about, oh, 5am. Then I start making phone calls. (It is right here that I would like to whole-heartedly apologize to anyone on the receiving end of my new habit.) And then I forget about the whole thing completely the next morning. This habit has two (2) great points to it. Point one...I piss people off. Pissing people off is one of the best things in this world. People have been doing it for centuries, going as far back as Jesus, who continues to piss people off to this day. Point two...the next day when all those people call me back to bitch at me for the voicemail/answering machine message/conversation with their father/incessant phone ringing and I laugh my ass off as blurry haze become clear picture of my assholeitude. Yes, that is a real word. No, you cannot use it. So anyways, the thing I'm trying to get across here is this, if you have a phone, especially if you are Dan, Duane, or Koppy (in alphabetical order no less), you might want to turn it off between the hours of 12am and 10:30am, Thursday through Sunday.

Ok, the rest of Leah's party. People came over, Boon brought his new interactive lightsaber game, people got drunk and played same, we kicked a few bottle of rum, played bozo show beer pong, a few of us went out for breakfast at 5am, made my phonecalls (apparently) around 5:30am ,and the rest of us remaining were up until about 10:00am. I got to sleep around 10:30am and woke with an amazing hangover at around 2 or 3pm. Pretty standard, no pictures.

What else is new...ok, I have a new job. Yep, workin' at PA Heat Treaters now, 2nd shift, $9/hr for now, and with mandatory overtime every other weekend that makes for a hell of a nice paycheck. So yay for me, I can afford to pay my bills again. And of course since it's a 2:30pm to 10:30pm shift, I can still have a nightlife and I don't have to be up early.

Rock on.

Or: "Here's a whole bunch of photos that always make me laugh but of course it's a whole lot funnier if you know the people in the photos because he/she is SOOO just like that in person too." Update

Still developing more film. Here's a new set from the Pictures of Brandi series.

I make my six-string talk so tuff. Oh, so tuff.

In 1805, Lewis and Clark crossed the Continental Divide in what is now the state of Idaho.

In 1905, an 11 year-old Frank Epperson invented the popsicle. Also, Albert Einstein published a paper which would come to be known as the Theory of Relativity.

These great moments in history have long been forgotten, pushed to the wayside by more progressive ideals and the force of change known as "evolution".

The year is now 2005, and mankind is ready to evolve once again.

Ladies and gentleman, I present to you the first eight designs in what shall someday be known to history books as......."Russ's T-Shirt Business (of Doom)".

All shirts are available in S, M, L, and XL. While I have no idea what those letters stand for, I can tell you that S and M are $9 US while the L and XL are $12 US. Shipping is free for orders of three or more. You are allowed to specify your preferred shirt color and I will do my absolute best to meet your sick demands. I also have these designs available on ringers and wife-beaters, so let's be creative. If you buy one of these shirts, you will get laid. (By the way, that one shirt, with the sign language on it, yeah, that spells out the word Blowjob. FYI.) When ordering, please let me know size, color, quantity, and of course which shirt you want. Payments accepted via PayPal, check, or money order. Make all checks out to "Russ Mason", and in that little memo area, you know, down at the bottom left-hand corner, write "For sensual massage" and I'll love you forever. As will my bank teller be impressed by my mad sensual skills.

To order, you can email me directly at russell@russmason.net.
 

This is Boon.

Now then. Allow me to show you a few things that are NOT Boon:

Bea Arthur

Captain America

A Bowl of Gravy

My Ninja Posse

Most Albino Smiling Monkeys

Two Pigs and a Girl

Eric Estrada

Now that that's clarified, I would like to announce:

The Official 2005 Boon Haiku Contest.

All you need to do is send me, Russ, an email, instant message, MySpace comment, etc, with an original haiku about the one and only Boon. All entries will be posted on this forum for all to see at a later date. The winner, picked my me and several ex-patriots of the prominent and influential 80's band Sepultera, will receive a free bottle of booze of his or her choosing, valued at no more than $40.00*. The winner will be picked on or before October 21st, so send in those entries ASAP. Happy haikuing!

*all currencies Canadian, some restrictions do apply, see me for details

Anyways, the point of all this is that I have a few tattoos and piercings of my own, most of which were done by myself. For the sake of having even more pictures on this website (geez) I've decided to put up a few pics of what I got:

My lip ring, a 14g labret. Did this with a safety pin when I was about 15 or 16. Never closes. I can take this out for 6 months and it'll go right back in.

Right forearm. My beloved Warthog.

Left forearm. The surrealist demon skull. One of the first ones I did. About 4am with nothing better to do.

Left arm, just below the elbow. My eight ball with bat wings. This represents the need for me to play pool and fly like a bat.

Left arm again. My guardian scorpion. Since I got this, I have not been attacked by a single scorpion.

Right lower leg. My Molotov Cocktail. This one has a lot of meaning behind it. It means I like to burn things.

Left lower leg, a spider web. A cover-up job.

So that's it. I have more tattoos, and more piercings, but nothing that needs to be put on display here. So there you go. This update really serves no real purpose I suppose, except to fill the slot of time between 7:00 and 8:09 that always bugs the hell out of me.

In other news, I have two of the first ten or so t-shirt designs ready to go to print, so as soon as I have an evening off I'll post pictures and prices.

Also, I have three very important dates coming up. Firstly, Brian and Caroline's wedding is on the 1st of October. I will be accompanying the always boisterous Jolene Monster, as seeing she has not the recourse of having the unstoppable Josh of the Black Lagoon at her side.

Lastly, October 21st, a date whispered in dark alleys and backdoor saloons, encrusted in infamy and dipped in lemony-fresh intrigue, the date known to many as the darkest day in human and marsupial history, and to few as....MY BIRTHDAY. Expect a night of a caliber only talked about in power ballads, police wrap sheets, and hardcore porn.

Until next time...I remain, Russ Mason. Superstar Badass.

Rock.

I Rilly Rilly Like:

• graphic design and art in general
• enjoying good music
• taking pictures of everything
• listening to anything you have to say
• reading amazing and sometime downright crazy books
• playing poker for $10 bills
• shooting pool for free
• working on my self-centered website
• riding my mountain bike in places where I shouldn't
• playing beer pong with anyone who's cute enough to play with me
• cooking big meals, and little ones
• looking all hot in my old man's hat
• pretending to be fantastically gay. especially around rednecks
• screen printing my own tee shirts
• getting drunk at 3am with old friends and talking about the time five years ago when we were doing the same damn thing
• meeting people who like to talk about themselves, because for some reason I love to listen to that kind of thing
• watching bad movies and sometimes really good ones
• being challenged to do shots because I can never back down
• smoking big stinky cigars
• arguing about nothing in particular
• saying something really funny just when a person is drinking milk, so that it comes out their nose like a fountain
• playing terrible guitar as if it's amazing guitar
• playing air guitar when I don't have a real one around
• saying things that rhyme, and pointing out when other people do it inadvertently
• debating religion when I know there's not gonna be a winner
• staring at people from across the room until they notice
• collecting boxes of things I'll never need or use, just because I can't throw out anything
• shooting darts poorly
• chasing stupid dreams just because it's good to have any kind of dreams
• walking next to girls
• listening to Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata". it's my favorite song on earth, and I want it played at my funeral
• crying over the same movies over and over cuz I'm a total wuss
• eating bacon as a midnight snack
• reading Playboy "for the articles"
• putting on Halloween makeup for no reason except maybe it's Saturday and I want to
• sleeping on other people's couches
• fancy shmancy restaurants where you have to get dressed-up to go to
• red wine
• zen
• turtles. they are my favorite animals on earth, though they narrowly edge out penguins. I used to have two turtles, one named Winston, because I like the brand of cigarettes, and another named Churchill, a name that I made up quite off the top of my head. they were a great pair and I miss them
• broccoli. it's the only vegetable that isn't inherently evil, in my opinion
• being in a room with no lights except a bunch of candles
• falling asleep with headphones on
• backrubs. giving more than receiving
• driving my car on nights when it's warm enough out to take the t-tops off
• going on long road trips
• Virginia beach
• expensive hotel rooms
• Johnny Depp and  Sean Connery
• Winona Ryder and Fairuza Balk
• punk rock girls (one Saturday I took a walk to Zipperhead)
• wondering what someone is thinking about when I see them smile all of a sudden
• playing with chalk on a sidewalk
• picking up girls when I hug them, you know, so their feet are off the ground
• food fights
• watching people poop (not really, just making sure you're paying attention)
• trying to throw playing cards into a hat from the other side of the room
• impulse shopping (it's why I have no money)
• doing something so completely off the wall that it makes everyone stop all of a sudden and look at me like I'm nuts, even if I'm the only one who laughs
• pretending I'm outstandingly smart
• pretending I'm ungodly stupid
• being pretty average
• talking about tattoos
• making my own alcohol at home
• playing paintball in the woods
• getting drunk once in awhile before 11am cuz there's no work and nothing to do and nobody's gonna care anyways
• whistling as loud as I can
• walking barefoot in grass, sand, up a creek bed, anywhere really
• painting my fingernails black, because I'm secretly not goth
• swinging at the park at 1 in the morning
• catching lightning bugs even though they really scare the shit out of me
• building computers in my spare time
• fixing them for anyone else
• dancing...anywhere and at any time
• let me say that again...I love to dance. slow or fast, goofy or romantically
• staying up all night
• going out to breakfast after one of those all-nighters
• having parties at my house
• having cookouts in my yard
• making hot wings that are known by my circle of friends as the best wings ever
• coloring my hair green (when I actually have hair)
• then maybe shaving it into a mohawk just for kicks
• pretending I don't like being tickled (I love it more than anything.)

Deep breathe. Exhale.

As a side note, I've also put up a page with a list of every MP3 that I own, more or less. While it's probably completely irrelevant and nobody's gonna care, I guess it'll at least serve as a window into my head, since people are usually gauged by the music they listen to. (I like to think, and if you've ever read my favorite book, Slackjaw, you'll know why, that people are judged by others by the stories that they tell.) You can find that page right here.

• 80's night.
• Rocky Horror night.
• Pajama night.
• Dress-up like someone you know night.
• Martini night.
• Halloween night.
• Let's all eat kittens night.
• Redneck night.
• Golf night (everyone does 18 shots)
• Stock my bar night (everyone has to bring a bottle of booze).
• Hip hop night. (or "Dress like a Wigger Night")
• Transformers night.

So that's that. Good night and god-speed.

On a side note, Take Two Video is closing. That's a St Marys institution and now it's gone the way of the do-do and glam rock. I recommend everyone stop by and by up as many items as you can, since they're selling everything, and it's all cheap. One word: Porn. I gotta say though, it's a pretty depressing sight. I remember Take Two Video, in one of it's many incarnations, going back all the way to when I was a little kid and it was situated up near the movie theatre. I remember seeing several of the still-regulars back then, people you could always count on seeing around the store, chatting about new releases, sneaking away to the back room, doing it again the next day. I remember talking with the current owner about increased competition in St Marys and how he didn't think it would hurt him all that much. Well, in the end it was part competition, part computer glitch what did them in. Stupid computers. So stop in, buy what you can, and say hello to Ed. He looks like he needs a friend right now.

Seeking people who like to play pool. Must be willing to travel. To Emporium. Pool tournaments held every so often, $300 cash prize to first place. Apply via email to me.

You've all heard of mud wrestling...well the party the other night gave me a brilliant idea. Instead of mud wrestling, how about BLOOD wrestling! That's right, I'm looking for volunteers for the First Annual Blood Wrestling Championship. Take a 10x10 sheet of plastic, add a kiddy pool, and many many gallons of fake blood. Two people go in. Only one comes out. Dignity, out the window. Prestige, fame, sneaker deals, girls and cash, these things are in store for the one who comes out on top. Plus I get a lot of real great photos for the website here. Again, get a hold of me if interested.

So what's new here? Well the house is coming along great, if by great you mean the kitchen looks like a scene from Fight Club, but then if you know me you understand that I'm more than cool with that. In fact I've picked up my camera and found three rolls of pictures worth taking around here, part of the "urban decay" series I've had in mind for some time. I'll have those posted in due time (read: next year maybe). But the rest of the place is pretty nice, we have the bar room so-so complete and I'll be throwing a bar-warming party sometime soon, and we should be getting a pool table if I can get a truck to Clarion in the near future. The living room is done and seats a whole football team, the attic will soon be host to a Marshall stack and a couple guitars - yes I have a jam space again. I still have two rooms that need to be stripped of drywall, so next week sometime I'm having the Official Demolition Party. Grab a beer, a hardhat, and a crowbar/hammer/baseball bat/rubber chicken and stop on by for a night of banging the hell out of everything.

I guess that's just about everything for right now. I'll be updating this page a lot more in the coming weeks, and posting a link to a page I'm designing freelance for another person which might give you something to talk about at work the next day. Also, once the work is finished in the back room here I'll be setting up shop with my screen printing business, so look here down the road for some designs, and if you have any ideas that you'd like to see on a shirt, get in touch with me and we'll discuss it. Sunuva bitch I almost forgot...are you in St Marys? Do you play Texas Hold-um? Are you filthy rich, partially blind, and/or subject to loss of reasoning skills? Well we could use you! Texas Hold-um games here at the house, at least three nights a week.

Man this is just the best. I haven't been sober one night since I moved back and I don't think that's going to end soon. Beer pong for everyone at Russ's house. 24-7, just walk in. Also, as soon as we get the bar built, we're gonna be having a bar-warming party, and everyone is getting a tee-shirt to commemorate. Oh that's right, I'm getting into screen printing soon. Look here for tee-shirt designs you can buy (or grab for free if you stop by the new place with a sixer) and maybe more.

Also, Motorhead rocks. Try some Superjoint Ritual if you have the chance as well.

Here's to being back with a bang, with few scars to show.

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